Episode 013 – How to NOT react when your partner triggers you (even when they’re dead wrong!)

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Note: This blog post serves as an accompaniment to the corresponding podcast episode of A Changed Mind, where we’ll distill down the core ideas of this week’s theme, along with additional distinctions and insights. If you haven’t listened to the episode yet, you can go here to do so.  Enjoy.

How To Not React When Your Partner Triggers You 

(Even When They’re Dead Wrong!) 

Today, we’re diving into the intricate dynamics of relationships. And let’s face it, relationships require work. For most couples, the road from the honeymoon phase to the periods of conflict and challenges is an inevitable evolution.  It’s normal, and there’s a reason behind it. And unless you have a playbook for understanding the energetic principles of relationship dynamics, that friction is destined to continue.  

So, if you’ve ever wondered why relationships go through ups and downs or if you’re seeking ways to enhance your connection with your partner, that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Everything Is Energy

Everything is energy – you are energy, your partner is energy, and the bond between the two of you is energy. What you think you become and you and your partner are both but a product of your thoughts and beliefs, which create your individual and collective realities.

That said, if you’re not willing to take radical responsibility for the fact that you’re creating your own reality, you are always going to be a victim of the external circumstances in your life, including your partner, their moods, their attitudes, their traumas, their limiting beliefs, their insecurities.

So the only way we can navigate powerfully through any area of our life, whether it’s relationships or health or wealth or business or spiritual development, is to realize that we’re powerful creators and we create through the mechanism of our thoughts and our emotions.

With that in mind, the person you’ve attracted into your life serves as a mirror to your own consciousness—a reflection of both your highest potential and your deepest limitations. They embody the experiences from your past, your ingrained beliefs, the childhood traumas, and the wounds you’ve carried. You may have heard people say, “I married someone just like my mom or dad,” and this phenomenon is entirely understandable.

Consider that most of your beliefs, if not all, were programmed into you before the age of seven, often by your parents and the meanings you gave to your early experiences. And if the meanings you attached to your childhood shaped your thinking as an adult, it follows logically that the person you attract would be like your mom or dad.

In essence, if your parents made you feel inadequate or instilled the belief that self-reliance was the only way to success, or if they led you to conclude that people couldn’t be trusted, these patterns will manifest prominently in your intimate relationships. In a sense, you’ve mirrored the dynamics of your childhood by drawing in a partner who echoes those early influences. This is all energetic dynamics at play.

The 3 Must-Haves Of A Lasting Relationship

One of my mentors once shared with me a profound insight: there are three essential elements for a successful relationship. These components, when present, hold the power to make any relationship thrive. They are:

Shared Vision: While your visions don’t need to align perfectly, there should be a significant overlap, like a Venn diagram, between your life goals, desired lifestyle, relationships with others, career aspirations, and family plans. It’s not about a 100% match, but rather having a common direction.

Shared Values: Shared values are the cornerstone of a harmonious relationship. They encompass the same principles, character traits, and noble qualities. For instance, if one person highly values personal time while the other doesn’t, or if honesty holds immense importance for one but not the other, conflicts may arise. Overcoming value-based friction can be challenging, so having shared values is crucial.

Willingness to Work On Yourself and Communicate: This aspect comes in varying degrees for different individuals. In my own relationship, there are areas where my partner, Carol, is more open to communication than I am, and vice versa. However, what truly matters is the common ground where we meet. It’s about the willingness to engage in personal growth and take responsibility for our role in the relationship dynamics. Instead of external blame, it’s about looking within and working on ourselves.

These three pillars, when nurtured within a relationship, have the potential to transform any partnership into a thriving, fulfilling connection. Remember, it’s not about perfection but the shared journey toward growth, understanding, and harmony.

You Create Your Circumstances 

One book that impacted Carol and I and that elegantly sums up what we’ve covered so far is “Radical Forgiveness” by the late author Colin Tipping. His work beautifully articulates a core principle we advocate in every facet of life: the understanding that YOU create your circumstances and situations. 

Tipping’s message is clear: when you accept responsibility for co-creating the dynamics in your relationships, you open the door to forgiveness, even in the face of significant hurt. Forgiving those who have caused you pain becomes a crucial process in clearing the energetic imprints of past traumas and limiting beliefs. 

By releasing these emotional burdens and making room for healing, you create space for the possibility of meeting your ideal soulmate. This notion aligns with the understanding that if you don’t carry feelings of unworthiness within you, your partner can never make you feel unworthy. Conversely, if you hold beliefs of inadequacy, you’ll likely attract someone who reflects those beliefs back to you.

Relationships, in essence, operate as a yin and yang. They are an energetic dance where you attract a partner whose consciousness aligns with your own. The essence here is that often when we find ourselves attracting partners who don’t align with our desired relationship qualities, it’s a signal that our personal development journey needs to ascend to the next level. 

Essentially, you only ever attract someone who shares similarities with your current state of being. Even as you embark on your self-improvement journey, commit to personal and spiritual growth, embrace noble values, cultivate self-awareness, and expand your emotional resilience and capacity, there will still be parts of you that are yet to be healed – and your partner will reflect whatever those things are back to you.

Here’s the beauty: when you encounter your soulmate, they will inevitably mirror those areas back to you. This isn’t a negative occurrence; rather, it’s a profound opportunity for growth. In conscious relationships, you recognize that when your partner triggers something within you, it’s a reflection of something within yourself that needs healing.

However, there’s a challenge we often face: either we externalize blame, attributing our challenges solely to our partner, or we find ourselves in relationships where this level of consciousness is absent. This leads to frustrating cycles of arguments, misunderstandings, and a sense that nothing will ever change.

To enhance your relationship dynamics, the most important thing you can do is to take responsibility for your own reactions and emotions.  When you can identify where the reaction is coming from and trace it back to a belief you developed early on in your life, you open yourself up to deeper levels of understanding, healing, and connection – not only with your partner, but with your own psyche and emotional capacity. 

Escaping The Trigger Loop

A prime illustration of this dynamic is evident in Carol and my own relationship. We couldn’t be more dissimilar in some aspects. Carol thrives on organization and structured living. I, on the other hand, may be structured in presenting information, but I don’t always adhere to the same meticulous standards in daily life. For instance, I might enjoy my morning coffee before making my bed or leave my shoes by the front door rather than placing them in the closet.

One recurring issue we’ve faced and shared with our community centers around our contrasting organizational approaches. I used to react defensively, thinking I deserved the right to be less organized or to defer bed-making because of my hard work and my role as a CEO. I perceived it as an entitlement I’d observed in my father, who juggled an intense legal career, long commutes, a large family, and a substantial mortgage. My father had his “Dad’s chair” that no one else could occupy, symbolizing this entitlement.

What I didn’t initially grasp was that this sense of entitlement was just a learned program from my childhood. Carol, on the other hand, utilized structure as a survival mechanism. She had endured abuse in her youth, leading her to conclude that people couldn’t be trusted and she had to rely solely on herself. This independence mindset and lack of trust extended to men as well. She became a highly efficient, organized individual, excelling academically and building a successful career in global business development.

Our differences in upbringing and coping mechanisms clashed, leading to conflicts in our household. I felt entitled to my habits, while Carol saw them as a threat and a sign of disrespect to her structured way of life. We attempted to convince each other that our perspectives were right, leading to a cycle of friction.

It wasn’t until we delved into Colin Tipping’s book that we both took a step back to examine our reactions. We traced our conflicts back to the belief systems we developed in childhood. I remember specifically when I came home one day and Carol had made a comment about me not putting away my shoe. And rather than trying to convince her of my belief system that I was entitled to put my stuff wherever I wanted to in the house, I put my shoes away, apologized to her, and acknowledged how much I appreciated that she kept the house in order.

Conversely, Carol expanded her capacity to react to me.  She’d acknowledge that I’d been working hard and politely ask for me to put my shoes away in the closet, simply because it made her feel more comfortable.  She’d say “I know it’s not your priority, but I’d appreciate it if you could put them away when you have time”.  Easy peasy.  So, as both worked on ourselves and changed our approach, we started preventing the passing back and forth of this conflict “hot potato” over and over again.  As trivial as it may seem, this revelation allowed us to approach our differences with understanding, empathy, and a willingness to heal and grow together.

What often unfolds in these situations is what could be termed a “psycho-cybernetic loop.” Essentially, your triggers activate your partner’s triggers, and vice versa, leading to an endless loop of emotional reactions. In a desperate attempt to break free from this cycle, we may find ourselves trying to convince our partner that our way is right and theirs is wrong. We attempt to impose a different belief system, which they find nearly impossible to adopt due to the deep-rooted and well-established nature of their own beliefs.

However, the true opportunity for fostering a conscious and connected relationship and facilitating healing lies in introspection and self-improvement. It requires examining what comes up within you and taking proactive steps to address and heal these internal challenges. When you no longer carry the trigger within you, the interpersonal dynamic with your partner can begin to transform, improve, and evolve.

Friction Is The Catalyst For Growth

It’s important to recognize that the suffering you experience doesn’t arise from external circumstances or your partner’s actions. Instead, the thoughts, emotions, and reactions you experience in response to your partner have existed within you for a significant period.

These inner dynamics are a crucial part of what drew you to your partner in the first place, because they represent a perfect energetic resonance with aspects of yourself that require healing. Alongside these challenges, your partner also embodies wonderful qualities that initially attracted you and continue to bind you together in love and connection.

In challenging times, it’s all too easy to layer on yet another belief that further complicates matters. This belief often takes the form of doubting whether you married the right person or if you’re with the right partner. Doubt can subtly creep into your relationship because your brain is naturally wired as a goal-achieving machine. It thrives on setting intentions and pursuing them relentlessly.

Here’s where the danger lies: when friction occurs, it can be misinterpreted as a sign that you might not be with the right person. This is precisely why I emphasized the three must-haves for a thriving relationship earlier: shared vision, shared values, and a commitment to personal growth and communication.

It’s worth noting that the third element, the willingness to work on oneself and communicate effectively, may take time to fully develop. If you already share a shared vision and values, it only makes sense to remain committed to the relationship and set intentions for both you and your partner to grow and improve communication over time. In nearly 99 percent of cases, this progression occurs organically.

However, the pitfall here is adopting the limiting belief that you’re with the wrong person. Your brain, being the goal-oriented machine it is, begins to amplify this belief. You start to notice conflicts and friction more acutely, magnifying their importance. Negative thoughts about the relationship’s hopelessness start to dominate your thinking. Emotionally, you embody these doubts, leading to actions and words that unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

Believe Your Relationship Will Work Out, And It Will

Your beliefs are incredibly powerful and have a massive influence on your perception. Consider the reticular activating system in your brain—the part that suddenly makes you notice the car you recently bought everywhere on the road. In a similar way, if you harbor the subtle, sinister belief that your relationship is doomed, even amidst the ordinary frictions and dynamics inherent to relationships, you’ll only see the negatives and overlook the positives. This skewed perspective can erode a perfectly good relationship and lead it towards its end.

To navigate these challenges successfully, you must be mindful of the meaning you assign to your relationship experiences and the inevitable challenges that arise. Remember, friction and challenges are normal aspects of any relationship.

The essence of cultivating a thriving relationship lies in understanding a fundamental truth: you can make any relationship work through radical forgiveness. This means embracing the knowledge that your partner shows up in a certain way to mirror the consciousness within you that requires healing.

The path forward involves two choices: you can put in the hard work to nurture and evolve your relationship, leading to a truly remarkable connection, or you may decide to part ways. However, if you choose the latter and don’t address the underlying issues, you’re likely to encounter similar relationship patterns in the future. Relationships are designed to guide you toward healing those aspects within yourself that resonate energetically with your partner.

There’s no magic solution or quick fix. Instead, it’s about committing to personal growth and self-improvement. By examining the triggers that arise in your relationship and employing the tools available to you, transformative change becomes possible. Watch as miracles unfold within your relationship, shaping a dynamic that evolves and deepens over time.