Episode 065 – The MOST Crippling Limiting Belief – And How To Eliminate It

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Note: This blog post serves as an accompaniment to the corresponding podcast episode of A Changed Mind, where we’ll distill down the core ideas of this week’s theme, along with additional distinctions and insights. If you haven’t listened to the episode yet, you can go here to do so.  Enjoy.

There comes a time in all our lives when we hit what feels like an “unsolvable problem.” These are the kinds of issues that don’t seem to get better no matter how much energy we put into fixing them. You try one thing, then another, and yet the same challenge keeps coming back—maybe it’s a money issue, a relationship that just isn’t working, or a health condition that doctors can’t seem to explain.

I’ve been there, and so has my wife. We’ve both struggled with what felt like “unsolvable” issues, those relentless problems that leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and often helpless. It was only after years of trying that I came to realize something essential: some problems aren’t meant to be solved. They’re meant to be surrendered.

An Unexpected Story of Letting Go

One of the clearest examples of this came from a friend of ours who was having no luck finding love. She was trying everything—going on hundreds of dates, swiping on multiple apps to the point of actually developing a callus on her finger. She was giving it her all, but no matter what, she couldn’t find her person. Then one day, during a walk on the beach with my wife and me, she said, “I can’t do it anymore. I don’t care if I never meet the man of my dreams, I’m done with dating.”

And as soon as she let go, everything changed. Just two weeks later, she met her husband, and today they have a beautiful family together. This isn’t just a happy coincidence; it’s a powerful reminder of what can happen when we let go of trying to control everything. Often, when we stop trying to force things, we create space for new things to come into our lives.

The “Core Program” We All Carry

This idea of letting go got me thinking about what I now call the “core program.” A core program is a deeply held belief, often something we carry unconsciously, that keeps us stuck in patterns we can’t seem to break. For me, my core program was this belief that “there’s something wrong with me.” And it was showing up in my life as these weird, unexplained health issues that no doctor could fix. No matter how many specialists I saw, nothing worked. It felt like I was in a never-ending loop.

My wife had her own core program, which was all about trust. Her belief was that she couldn’t rely on anyone else to do things right and that if she wanted something done well, she had to do it herself. This belief kept showing up in her work, in her relationships, in our business. She’d put in all her energy, working herself to exhaustion, but no matter how hard she tried, her biggest fear—that things would go wrong—seemed to keep happening.

And it’s not just us. These core programs show up in all sorts of ways for different people. I have a friend who grew up feeling ashamed of who he was, and that shame colored his whole life. He was trapped by the belief that he wasn’t good enough, that there was something fundamentally wrong with him. It’s almost as if these beliefs keep replaying in our lives until we finally address them.

The Origins of Our Core Programs

These beliefs, these core programs, usually come from early experiences—things we might not even recognize as “trauma.” They aren’t always big, obvious events like abuse or loss. Sometimes, they’re subtle, repetitive experiences that shape our beliefs and behavior in ways we can’t easily see. My wife grew up in an environment where trust was constantly an issue, and she internalized the belief that she couldn’t depend on anyone else. For my friend, his feelings of shame came from growing up in a household where he wasn’t accepted for who he was.

For me, the belief that “something is wrong with me” came from watching my mom go through her own health struggles. She had a lot of health challenges, which I later came to understand as the physical manifestation of her belief that there was something wrong with her. I picked up on that belief as a child, and it stayed with me.

These early beliefs sink in so deeply that we carry them into adulthood, often without even realizing it. They shape how we see ourselves and the world, and they become the lens through which we experience everything. Over time, these core beliefs show up as these recurring, unsolvable problems.

Why Typical Tools Don’t Work on Core Programs

Now, I’ve spent years learning and teaching tools to shift beliefs—things like meditation, journaling, reframing thoughts, and even techniques like neurosculpting. I’ve seen these tools change people’s lives in incredible ways. But when it came to my own core program, none of these tools made a dent. Here I was, teaching these methods, yet completely stuck in my own struggles.

That’s when I realized something important: core programs don’t respond to typical tools or strategies because they’re rooted so deeply. These beliefs require something different, something we don’t often think of: surrender.

I’d been in 12-step programs for other challenges in my life, and I decided to go back. This time, I focused on surrendering my chronic worry. The first three steps of the 12-step process really resonated with me. They go, “I can’t, He can, I’ll let Him.” This was exactly what I needed to hear. There are things in life that we’re not meant to solve on our own. Surrender isn’t about giving up; it’s about recognizing that some things are beyond our control and that there’s a power greater than us that can help.

Moving Away from the Problem to Find the Solution

One of the biggest insights I had was that the more I focused on my problem, the bigger it seemed to get. I was constantly pushing, analyzing, trying to solve it. But as Einstein famously said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” I was stuck in the same loop, using the same methods, and expecting a different result.

So I started to take a step back. Instead of constantly fixating on my problem, I created space. And in that space, a different kind of energy could come in—a solution-oriented energy, one that wasn’t focused on fighting against the issue.

My wife experienced the same shift. As she began to let go of her need to control everything, our business actually started running more smoothly. It was like the very act of letting go allowed new solutions and opportunities to show up.

Faith Over Fear

The process of letting go requires faith. Faith isn’t about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about trusting that life has a rhythm, that things will work out even if we don’t have all the answers right now. And here’s the thing about faith: it’s scary. Letting go feels risky because we’re taught to solve problems, to fight our way through. But sometimes the real solution is to stop fighting.

As I started to practice surrender, I noticed changes in myself. My stress levels decreased, my health improved, and unexpected solutions started to show up. It’s almost like life responds to us differently when we stop trying to control everything. My wife saw the same thing—when she released her grip on things, our business started to thrive.

Knowing When to Let Go

If you’re facing a problem that feels impossible, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself: is this something I’m meant to let go of? In the 12-step program, there’s a prayer that goes, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” That wisdom is essential because knowing when to act and when to let go is one of life’s toughest lessons.

A core program can often make you feel powerless and even a little insane. You keep trying the same things, yet nothing changes. That’s the moment when it’s time to try something different—when it’s time to surrender.

The Power of Doing Nothing

One of my mentors once said, “When nothing’s working, try doing nothing.” It sounds counterintuitive, but there’s a lot of wisdom in it. When we stop trying to control everything, we create space for new solutions to come in. Einstein put it another way: “We can’t solve problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

So if you’re caught up in a problem, try stepping back. Go focus on something you love, something beautiful in your life. Let life surprise you.

Finding Freedom in Surrender

I want to leave you with a promise from the 12-step program: “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” This isn’t just about solving a problem; it’s about living in a new way, with more ease and less struggle. Life becomes lighter when we let go of the need to control everything. We find peace, and our unsolvable problems start to lose their grip.

If you’re willing to try, step back from what’s been weighing you down. See what happens when you stop trying to solve it. Sometimes the answer is simpler than we think. Sometimes, it’s about allowing life to take over. Letting go might be the answer you’ve been searching for all along.