Episode 064 – Throw Your Scars Not Your Stars

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Note: This blog post serves as an accompaniment to the corresponding podcast episode of A Changed Mind, where we’ll distill down the core ideas of this week’s theme, along with additional distinctions and insights. If you haven’t listened to the episode yet, you can go here to do so.  Enjoy.

Life often feels like it’s pushing us to be perfect. We hear this everywhere—“Achieve more,” “Do better,” “Keep it together”—but the truth is, trying to be perfect is exhausting. And I don’t know about you, but I just got tired of it. Tired of the pretending, of trying to mold myself into someone else’s idea of success or worthiness. What I want to share with you today is this simple truth: your flaws are your greatest strength. The moment you can embrace who you are, the good and the bad, you’ll unlock a kind of freedom and strength you didn’t even know was possible.

Throw Your Scars, Not Your Stars

Several years back, during one of the hardest periods of my life, I met a mentor who changed everything for me. His name is Reverend TD Jakes. He didn’t know it, but his words had been a light for me when I was struggling with addiction—things like drug abuse, alcohol, even pornography. My mind was in such a dark place, and his words were what helped me pull through, to start walking the road toward recovery and self-acceptance.

When we met, I thanked him for being there in spirit during my darkest times. And then he turned to me and said something I’ll never forget: “Throw your scars, not your stars.” It hit me so deeply because I realized that all this time I’d been hiding my scars, trying to show only the shiny, polished parts of myself. But it’s those scars that make us who we are. And if we can show them—be honest about them—we open ourselves up to deeper connections and even to our own healing.

Why Pretending to Be Perfect is So Draining

Trying to be someone you’re not? It’s a full-time job, and it drains the life right out of you. I used to keep my ideas to myself at work, always afraid people would criticize me or think less of me. I surrounded myself with people who were only interested in superficial things, people who were comfortable but weren’t growing. And even though I knew I didn’t really belong in those circles anymore, I stayed, out of fear of being alone or judged.

If you’re clinging to relationships or habits that don’t serve you, it might feel safe, but it also keeps you stuck. It prevents you from growing and keeps you from stepping into the unknown, which is the very place where new, exciting things are waiting for you. The moment you stop pretending and start being who you really are, things start to change. And yes, it can feel scary, but it’s also incredibly freeing.

Vulnerability is the Only Way Forward

You know, for the longest time, I believed that hiding my struggles made me stronger. I thought being vulnerable meant weakness. But let me tell you, it was in my recovery, where I finally allowed myself to open up and be real, that I discovered true strength. Vulnerability was what helped me heal from addiction and connect with others on a deeper level.

Now, I’m not saying you have to air every struggle to everyone you meet. But being honest with yourself and finding a few trusted people to share with? That’s where real connection happens. When you start being real, you’re going to lose some people, but you know what? That’s a good thing. Because the people who stick around are the ones who truly accept you for who you are.

Letting Go of the “I’ll Be Happy When…” Trap

Most of us are caught up in a little game with ourselves. We say, “I’ll be happy when…”—when I make more money, when I meet the right person, when I get that next promotion. And on and on it goes. But here’s the truth I’ve come to learn: happiness isn’t some prize you get after reaching certain milestones. Happiness is a habit, a choice you can make right now, and it starts with being yourself.

When you stop striving for other people’s approval, you realize that happiness was always right here, waiting for you. It’s ironic, isn’t it? The moment you stop seeking happiness outside yourself, you find it within. And when you do that, all the other things—success, abundance, peace—they naturally start to fall into place.

The Real Health Benefits of Just Being Yourself

Here’s something most people don’t realize: trying to be someone else can actually make you sick. The stress of hiding your true self, of constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, has real consequences for your health. Most chronic diseases today are stress-related, and a lot of that stress comes from the tension we hold from pretending.

When you finally let go and start being yourself, your body feels it. You relax, and there’s a real physical reaction—a cellular relaxation that we can actually measure. This isn’t just about feeling good mentally; it’s about giving your body the space to heal and thrive. The next time you find yourself holding back, remember that authenticity isn’t just a mental shift—it’s a gift to your body, too.

The Freedom to Be You: Why Authenticity Attracts What You Need

As soon as I started letting go of people and things that didn’t align with who I was becoming, space opened up for new relationships, for growth, and for a deeper connection with myself. When you stop pretending, you’re going to attract people who resonate with your true self, who respect and appreciate the real you. It might mean losing some friends along the way, but the new ones who come into your life will be there because they love you for you.

There’s a certain energy to authenticity that’s magnetic. People are drawn to it because it’s rare. And when you’re being real, you give others permission to do the same. They see in you the courage they want for themselves, and it creates a ripple effect that goes beyond you. The world needs more of that—more people who aren’t afraid to show up as they are.

You Are Already Whole: Stop Trying to Prove Yourself

If there’s one message I want to leave with you, it’s this: you are already whole. Society might tell us to chase perfection, but wholeness doesn’t mean being flawless. It means embracing every part of yourself, even the messy parts. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone; you don’t have to change or hide to be worthy of love or success.

The happiness and peace you seek are already inside you. They’ve always been there, waiting for you to reconnect with them. The more you accept yourself, the easier life becomes, because you’re no longer carrying the weight of trying to be someone else.

This Journey Isn’t Meant to Be Walked Alone

Lastly, know this: personal growth isn’t a solo project. I know it’s tempting to try and figure it all out on your own, but real transformation happens in community. I’ve found that as I’ve become more authentic, I’ve attracted people who value the same things, who are committed to their own growth. Together, we create a space where we can be ourselves, where we can support each other and lift each other up.

If you’re on this path, don’t isolate yourself. Find your people, those who are walking a similar journey. You’ll be amazed at the power of a community that accepts you as you are.

Be Yourself: The Most Powerful Gift You Can Give

Being yourself is a gift, both to yourself and to the world. It might feel intimidating at first—you might worry about what people will think, or fear losing certain relationships. But as you continue on this journey, you’ll find that the people who matter will stick around, and those who don’t will naturally fall away.

So, throw your scars, not your stars. Let people see who you really are. You don’t need to hide or pretend. The world doesn’t need more perfect people; it needs more real ones. Remember, you are already whole, you are already enough, and the best way forward is simply to be you.